The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing
Why Do We Say Yes When We Mean No?
Have you ever found yourself agreeing to help a colleague with their workload, even though your own tasks are piling up? Or nodding along to a family member's endless demands, just to keep the peace? If this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the trap of people-pleasing. It's a subtle habit that many of us, especially in Nigerian culture where community and respect for others run deep, fall into without realizing the toll it takes.
Picture this: You're at a family gathering in Lagos, the jollof rice is steaming, and your auntie turns to you with that expectant smile. 'My dear, can you lend me some money for the children's school fees? Just this once.' You hesitate, but the eyes of the room are on you. Saying no feels like betraying the family bond we've all grown up cherishing. So, you say yes, dipping into your savings again. It's a small act, but over time, these moments add up, eroding your peace, finances, and even your sense of self.
People-pleasing isn't about being kind—it's about prioritizing others' approval over your own well-being. In Nigeria, where phrases like 'don't let anyone carry your load' coexist with strong communal ties, this behavior can feel like a survival skill. But what if I told you it's costing you more than you think? Let's dive into the hidden costs and how to reclaim your life from it.
The Emotional Drain of Constant Yeses
At its core, people-pleasing stems from a fear of rejection or conflict. Psychologists call it a form of avoidance, where we trade our authenticity for temporary harmony. But the emotional price is steep. Each time you suppress your true feelings, you're building resentment inside. It's like carrying an invisible backpack that gets heavier with every 'yes' you don't mean.
In Nigerian workplaces, this plays out vividly. Imagine you're a young professional in Abuja, climbing the corporate ladder in a bank. Your boss asks you to stay late—again—to finish a report that's really their responsibility. You agree, not wanting to seem uncooperative in a culture that values hierarchy and loyalty. But nights like these steal your time with loved ones, leaving you exhausted and bitter. Over months, that resentment festers, straining relationships at home and leading to burnout.
I remember a friend in Port Harcourt who was the ultimate people-pleaser. She volunteered for every church committee, hosted neighborhood barbecues, and even covered for her sibling's debts. 'It's what we do for family,' she'd say. But privately, she confided how it left her feeling empty, like her life was a series of obligations rather than choices. The emotional cost? A quiet depression that she masked with forced smiles. Studies from the American Psychological Association echo this: chronic people-pleasing correlates with higher anxiety and lower self-esteem.
Financial Hidden Costs in a Hustle-Driven Society
Nigeria's economy demands hustle, but people-pleasing can turn that into self-sabotage. When we say yes to avoid discomfort, we're often saying no to our financial goals. Lending money to friends or family without boundaries? It's a common scenario here, rooted in our 'naija spirit' of solidarity. But it can derail your savings plan for that big move to the UK or starting your own business.
Take the case of Chinedu, a trader in Onitsha market. He prides himself on helping fellow vendors—extending credit, sharing stall space, even buying rounds at the local beer joint. Sounds generous, right? But last year, bad debts from 'friends' who never paid back left him short for restocking his goods. He had to borrow from a loan shark at exorbitant rates, all because saying no felt rude in a community where trust is currency.
The ripple effects are real. In a country where inflation bites and naira fluctuations keep us on edge, every unplanned 'yes' chips away at your financial security. It's not just about money lost; it's the stress of living paycheck-to-paycheck, unable to invest in your dreams. Financial experts advise building an emergency fund, but how can you if you're constantly bailing others out?
The Toll on Relationships and Personal Growth
Ironically, people-pleasing often damages the very relationships we try to protect. When you're always accommodating, people start expecting it, and authenticity fades. You become the 'reliable one,' but at what cost to your voice? In romantic partnerships, this can lead to imbalance—one partner always giving, the other taking.
Consider relationships in Nigerian families, where elder respect is paramount. A young woman in Enugu might endure a toxic aunt's criticism during visits, smiling through it to avoid 'disrespect.' But over time, this erodes her confidence, making it hard to assert boundaries even with her own children later. True connections thrive on honesty, not one-sided sacrifices.
On a personal level, it stunts growth. By avoiding 'no,' you miss opportunities to learn resilience. Think of the entrepreneur in Kano who turns down investors to please skeptical relatives, sticking to a safe job instead. That fear of disapproval keeps dreams deferred, echoing the Nigerian proverb: 'The child who is carried on the back never learns to walk on his own.'
Real-Life Scenarios from Everyday Naija Life
Let's ground this with specific examples. Scenario one: The wedding season frenzy. In Nigeria, weddings are spectacles—lavish affairs where guests feel pressured to contribute generously. You get an invite from a distant cousin. Budget tight? No matter; you send 50,000 naira to save face, even if it means skipping your gym membership or delaying car repairs. The hidden cost: financial strain that builds guilt and anxiety.
Scenario two: Office politics in a Lagos tech firm. As the only woman on the team, you take on extra admin tasks to prove you're a 'team player.' Colleagues offload their grunt work, leaving you no bandwidth for skill-building courses. Result? Stagnation in your career while promotions go to those who negotiate boundaries.
Scenario three: Community involvement in a village near Benin City. The town meeting calls for volunteers to clean the stream. You sign up, despite your full-time farming and family duties. Weeks of unpaid labor later, you're physically drained, and family tensions rise because you're never home. It's noble, but unchecked, it leads to neglect of your own health.
These aren't rare; they're daily realities that highlight how people-pleasing, intertwined with our cultural values of ubuntu-like communalism, can backfire.
Recognizing the Signs in Your Own Life
How do you know if you're a people-pleaser? Watch for patterns: Do you feel guilty for saying no? Apologize excessively? Feel resentful after helping? Or avoid conflict at all costs? If yes, it's time to reflect. Journaling helps—note instances where you bent over backward and how you felt afterward.
In our Nigerian context, where 'face' matters, admitting this can be tough. But acknowledging it is the first step to freedom. It's not about becoming selfish; it's about balanced generosity.
Breaking Free: Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Power
Reversing people-pleasing takes intention, but the rewards—more energy, stronger relationships, financial stability—are worth it. Start small with these actionable steps tailored to our realities:
Practice Saying No Gracefully: Next time a relative asks for a favor that stretches you thin, try: 'Aunty, I wish I could, but I'm committed this week. Let's see what else we can do.' In Nigeria, framing it with respect softens the blow. Role-play with a trusted friend to build confidence.
Set Clear Boundaries Early: In workplaces, define your limits. 'I can review this report by Friday, but after hours are for family.' Use tools like shared calendars to communicate availability. For finances, decide on a 'helping budget'—say, 10% of your monthly income—and stick to it. Apps like PiggyVest can help track this without judgment.
Prioritize Self-Care Rituals: Counter the drain with daily habits. In the mornings, before the hustle of danfo commutes, spend 10 minutes meditating or walking. In evenings, unplug from group chats demanding responses. Remember, recharging you benefits everyone.
Seek Support Networks: Join or form accountability groups. Nigerian online communities on Twitter or WhatsApp focused on personal growth can be goldmines. Share stories—like how one Lagosian learned to decline extra shifts—and celebrate progress.
Reflect on Long-Term Goals: Ask: What do I want my life to look like in five years? If people-pleasing derails that—whether it's launching a side hustle in Abuja or pursuing further studies—adjust accordingly. Therapy or counseling, increasingly accessible via apps like Mantra, can unpack deeper roots.
Celebrate Small Wins: After saying no for the first time, treat yourself—maybe a plate of suya or a solo movie night. Positive reinforcement rewires the habit.
By implementing these, you'll shift from reactive living to intentional choices. Imagine attending that family event not out of obligation, but genuine joy, with energy to spare.
In the end, people-pleasing's hidden costs—emotional exhaustion, financial leaks, relational strains—are real, but reversible. In Nigeria's vibrant, interconnected society, true strength lies in honoring yourself while uplifting others. Start today; your future self will thank you.
Comments (0)
Join the conversation